Never underestimate the power of Facebook to assist you in parenting. Sort of like how TV was in the 70’s, except this is interactive.

One of my friends wisely suggested we try to call the “I Stole Your Money, Ha HAAAAAAA Elmo” makers. I found their number and gave them a call.

BadMommy: We just bought the Hug Me Elmo or whatever it’s called and it’s broken. But I don’t have the receipt.
Elmo Repair Shop: Okay, I have to ask you a few questions.

Whoa. Like on Law and Order?

Bad Mommy: Okay…
Elmo Repair Shop: How old is your child?
BadMommy: She’s 17 months.
Elmo Repair Shop: And what is the ID number on Elmo’s tag.

At this point I thought we were done-for. See, Cool Dad has this aversion to tags. He rips tags off all the bath towels, out of any clothes, off all toys. He was trying to take them out of the Pirate’s clothes but I had to stop that because even though sizes are about as accurate as weathermen, I still need to at least have a general idea of what age range clothes I’m trying to squeeze her little round head into in the mornings.

I grabbed Elmo and phew, Cool Dad hadn’t gotten his scissors on Elmo yet! I read her the ID number.

ElmoRepairShop: All right. And what was Elmo saying when his mouth stopped working?

Uh….what exactly is the right answer to this question? I know what I think he was saying.

“Stop shoving your toys in my mouth you two and a half foot tyrant!”

BadMommy: I have no idea what he was saying. I think ‘Hug Me Tighter.’

At this point Cool Dad started laughing and mimicking the shoving of toys in Elmo’s mouth. Why did I make this phone call with him in the room?

ElmoRepairShop: Well, I’m going to send you out a prepaid label so you can send him back and we can take a look at him. We normally recommend that Elmo is for children 18 months and above but we’ll see what we have and get him fixed. It will take about 4-6 weeks for him to be returned.

The Repair Shop clearly has no idea who they are dealing with. The way the Pirate is going, another month for her will only give her 30 more days on this earth to devise new methods of torture. Considering that the other day she reached up on the kitchen counter and grabbed a butcher knife I was sure she couldn’t reach, Elmo’s damn lucky only his jaw broke. Damn lucky.

Watch your back Elmo.