I was heading out the other morning and noticed this as I exited the front door of the condo:


I made a mental note to let the building manager know our Exit Sign was falling off the ceiling, and then had a thought. I walked backward, in the same steps I made leaving the condo, and turned around to see Cool Dad sitting on the couch watching TV.

Bad Mommy: “Did you see the Exit sign is down out here?”
Cool Dad: “Yeah.”
Bad Mommy: “Do you know anything about this?”
Cool Dad: “Yeah, the Pirate pulled it down. I need to get up there with a ladder and fix it. I only let her touch it, I didn’t realize she was going to pull it out of the ceiling.”

Mmm hmm. I’m sure Elmo didn’t realize he was going to get lockjaw either until the hand of the Pirate crossed his path. Elmo is back by the way. He was out of the box for a mere 32 seconds before the Pirate was sitting on him, then standing on him and basically re-enacting what she did right before he broke the last time. We had to take him away. The Hasbro Factory isn’t going to fall for this again.

Because of some scheduling conflicts, I had to take the Pirate with me to a final walk-through with clients. One of the issues in the house was that some electrical outlets were not working during inspection. My client said she had her phone charger so she bent down to dig through her bag for the charger. I don’t think I would have believed this had I not seen it with my own eyes and heard it with my own ears, but the Little Pirate walked over to her, grabbed her ass and said, “Butt! Butt!” Thankfully this client is also a friend so it wasn’t as catastrophic as it could have been but man, who the hell has been teaching her this crap? Oh. Right. The same person who held her up to the exit sign never realizing she downed a can of spinach before getting her mitts on the sign.

When my friend’s husband came back into the room, the Pirate lifted up his coat and started reaching for what I assumed to be his belly button because that’s also another one of her “things.” She likes to see and touch belly buttons. But he is very tall, and so his belly button was way above where all her other victim’s belly buttons are, and as I watched those little hands grab away I just winced and said, “This isn’t going to end well.” I totally would have been fired were these people not also friends.

Thanks Little Pirate. When you ask where your college fund went, I’m going to point you to your path of destruction and damage.