This morning I woke up and I feel like I suddenly have a new kid. She knows all these things and I have no idea how this happened. Sort of reminds me of when I was training the dogs, I’d say “sit” 10,000 times and they would look at me and tilt their head. Then say the word “sit” in a sentence with another human and damn if those dogs didn’t sit down.

Here’s what the last 24 hours with the Pirate have taught me:

1) She can change the dishwasher cycle from Regular Wash to Rinse Only while the machine is mid-cycle, so it is entirely possible to be half way through unloading dirty dishes before I realize that the dishes still have sludge on them.

2) She can completely crawl inside the front loading washing machine. I heard a cry, and went looking for her, only to find her sitting entirely inside the washing machine, looking out at the world.

3) This will give me anxiety and prevent me from sleeping as I work through all the “what if” scenarios.

4) She might love cannolis like her mama, but she will gag at the taste of ricotta cheese. She’ll try to get it out of her mouth, realize she can’t due to the mush factor, run to Cool Dad, crawl in his lap and throw up all over him. Cool Dad will come unarmed to this battle royale, and only hold out a hand to catch it. Cool Dad will lose. Big time.

5) This will make me laugh like I haven’t laughed in years. I will cackle so loud that tears will stream down my face. I won’t be able to straighten my face enough to even sarcastically say, “Need a towel?”

6) She knows who people are. She was able to point out her Uncle this weekend which was shocking to me.

7) She knows where here ears, teeth, nose and toes are. I did not teach her this because I thought she’s too young to understand. Cool Dad has been teaching her and she’s figured it out. I clearly suck as a parent.

8) When Cool Dad tells her it’s time for bed, she now turns around, waves and says, “Bye Mom.” ???????????????? When did she figure this out? I’m here ALL DAY (most days) and I had no idea she knew how to say “Bye Mom” in her 15 months on this earth.

9) When I’m on the phone and winding up a call with the obligatory series of “okay’s” she will start screaming BYE in the background. This is very embarrassing when I’m talking to a client.

10) The elevator is the source of much that is entertaining. Someone, I won’t say who but their name rhymes with Wool Mad, taught the Pirate that pressing the alarm bell in the elevator is the funniest thing ever. She’ll sound the alarm on every ride now, and make a fake surprise face. Oh please! Like Dad didn’t teach you that was going to happen!

11) When the Pirate hears the elevator bell ring on our floor, she knows someone is getting out of the elevator. Even if she is inside our condo she will run to the door and scream “HI!” She’s very similar to Pavlov’s dog in that way.

12) Elmo is a money-hijacking whore who is out to get every last penny from anyone who even thought about having kids. The Little Pirate is not immune to his charms. We now have Big Bucks Hugs Elmo, and the Pirate will lay him on the floor, lay on top of him and kiss him on the mouth.

13) Elmo’s not the only one who gets kisses. If I say, “Give me kissies,” she will come at me, open mouth and say “mwah!”

14) Because of her love of the phrase “Thank you” she uses it all the time – even when it’s totally inappropriate. For instance, she loves to dump out the dog’s water bowl and then say “Thank you!” Somehow this makes it funnier but I’ve cleaned up a lot of water today.

15) The brief few minutes I can lock her in her high chair give me such a sense of relief that I can sit down for 10 minutes instead of going from disaster to disaster with a fire extinguisher. Someone needs to invent some sort of humane toddler jail.

Oh…that sounds like heaven.