There’s a message forum in DC for parents that is a hilarious source of entertainment. Sometimes there is some decent information on there, but it’s mostly a bunch of crazy people who spout all sorts of things that indicate just how misinformed they really are…at life. I actually made a New Year’s Resolution to stay off of it because it actually scares and saddens me that I share a world with people like this.

First, a backstory-digression.

I grew up in a wealthy town where competition was fierce – if you participated. I preferred to stay on the fringes, do enough to get grades that made me happy, and generally live a life in high school and beyond that would allow me to achieve my career goals but not turn my hair gray in the process. I succeeded. Phew. I desperately want the same for the Little Pirate.

Anyway, there was a post a month ago on the crazy forum that detailed how the poster’s 5 year old was a genius, already proficiently reading (the mom called it “fluently reading” ?? fluent?) while the other stupid savages in her kid’s class drag her genius down, so her kid needed to be challenged. My first thought is: Fuck you. My second thought is: How have I been so lucky to find a playgroup where the parents (okay, mostly moms) discuss their kids without putting on a phony display. Everyone is so real. My third thought: Yes, 2014 will be the year I get off this board and never read it again. It was actually this conversation thread that did it.

How would you like this lady for your neighbor?

I’m concerned about how a child who has just turned four and is already easily and happily reading books intended for 3rd and 4th grade kids will do in kindergarten. Or rather what that child will do. Can anyone share how their child has fared?

Bitch please. In 4th grade I was reading Judy Blume. Do you really mean to tell me your 4 year old is reading “Are You There God It’s Me Margaret?” and understands the content? Or is she just moving her eyes along the words and you think she’s a genius? Someone calls her out on it and she responds with more unbelievable crap.

Yes. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s absolutely true. My child reads the newspaper with me every morning (though doesn’t understand everything and we have to discuss it a lot to ensure comprehension). Reads road signs, cereal boxes, and instructions for toys, and any kind of sign – basically any words anywhere. I haven’t found a children’s book that is too difficult yet (though needs help on some words). I have no intention of skipping a grade. My kid is already the youngest in the PK class and I believe kids should be with their peers.

“Any words anywhere?” Oh…I get it. She’s Frank Costanza! Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George’s father reads every sign out loud as they drive?  I finally commented that all this is BS because all kids even out and catch up by 3rd grade. The banter goes on for several more pages where even experts (teachers, childhood education researchers) chime in that pushing kids can have detrimental effects on other skills (both educational and social) and that the parents should basically chill out.

The original Mom poster with the genius child didn’t like these answers. “DC” is message board speak for “dear child.” It’s also message board speak for “I’m a fucking moron.”

This is OP here and I could not disagree with you more …it was DC who went from reading basic phonics to reading Roald Dahl in a matter of months.

Not only that, but I also read at 4 and was reading fluently by the time I went to K. (defined as reading pretty much anything that was at an appropriate comprehension level). And I certainly never had any “early focus on academics” – I didn’t even go to preschool. So I’m assuming that this is partly hereditary. I was also always ahead of my peers. My schooling experience was not great and I’d like to avoid that for my child… But I don’t have an attitude that I must keep DC ahead of peers, at all.

Don’t you just want to run this woman over with a Wood Paneled Station Wagon, which has now become my virtual Child-Rearing-Panic Room. So her kid inherited her genius. Gotcha. Then the fight devolved into debates over “Rainbow Magic” books and someone says she checked her library record and checked out “3000 books last year.” Oh boy.  Right now I’d settle for the Little Pirate not DESTROYING 3000 books a week – some from my childhood!

Anyway, everyone starts slinging insults, but it turns into a clusterfuck because it’s, yes, an anonymous message board so no one can figure out which idiot mom is which and all I can think is I’m going to be at PTA meetings with harpies like this in a few years…wearing a Harley sweatshirt and using the F-word at anyone who claims their kid is a genius. It’s going to be very very ugly.