I managed to already score what the Rehoboth Beach Delaware Wal Mart employees assured me was the “IT” Elmo for this holiday season – “Hug Me Elmo.” (If you’ve never taken advice from a Wal Mart employee then you really should get out of your bubble. Wal Mart advice? All the rage.) There is something about Elmo that makes kids go crazy, more than they ever did over other Muppet or Sesame Street characters. I don’t get it. Anyway, Hug Me Elmo came home to our house several weeks ago.

I have to admit, Hug Me Elmo is a bossy little fuck. He makes demands: “Hug me tighter. Tighter! TIGHTER!” Just when you think you’ve got it right he says, “That’s too tight!” Sigh.

It didn’t take long for the Pirate to get bored with him. After she practiced her french kissing on him, and then her hugging, she decided to play the Pirate-Patented “How Many Of My Other Toys Can Fit In Elmo’s Mouth Game?” I watched as the Pirate held Elmo down and forced several rubber duckies, and various pieces from her doll house into Elmo’s mouth. Elmo probably would have told her to cut the shit except he was gagged.

Elmo did not win this battle. His jaw snapped open like a shark and it has yet to close. I think he looks shocked. Cool Dad says Elmo looks like one of those blow up sex toy dolls. Now there’s a niche market.

“Hellllllp meeeeee!”

“Hellllllp meeeeee!”

Stupid waste of $50.