It deserves an explanation.


Went out to Rehoboth today and took the Little Pirate along. Had to do a bunch of things and she’s on Spring Break from her little school so off we went, like Thelma and Louise for a 12 hour day trip.

I asked her what she wanted to do when we had a midday break and she said “Buy lipstick and get ice cream.” Fair enough Little Pirate, that is what we shall do.

We popped into Walgreens to let the Pirate pick out her lipstick (okay, gloss) and when we were at the cash register the cashier asked if we wanted a free Easter balloon. For most of the world, Easter was yesterday. For the Orthodox among us, Easter isn’t for a few weeks, so, half-price candy and free balloons abound! And for the Heathen among us, it doesn’t really matter when the fuck Easter is because, who cares? Half price candy and free balloons!

The wind was angry today my friends. And when the double doors of Walgreens opened up and let a tornado in, the balloons went speed skating around the store. The cashier yelled, “MY BALLOONS!” and people were scrambling to catch them. They scattered so fast I was sure one of them farted. I mean, they were weighted with something so it’s not like they were going far. (We’re going to prove how naive a train of thought this was in just a moment.)

The Pirate asked if she could take one for First Mate Little Chubs, as if everyone knew who that was and they said yes. So we went about the painstaking process of picking out another balloon. I wanted Hello Kitty dressed as a bunny but the Pirate said a firm no. She picked a monster of a balloon that would not fit in our car, so I nixed that and said “How about Hello Kitty Bunny?” Pirate said no again and grabbed a Tweety Bird. Come on, Tweety? He’s an asshole! I said, “Well I want to give this one to the First Mate,” and I snatched that Hello Kitty bunny balloon and out to the car we went. Man, I just would not give up.

There I am, putting the Pirate into her carseat, juggling the balloons and my suitcase  mom-purse when a huge gust of wind blew through the parking lot. Hello Kitty went flying. That weight was a joke. She was seriously at a cruising altitude of 1000 feet in like 4 seconds flat. But then there was some sort of downwind and she came flying back down into the parking lot of the Giant Grocery Store next door and snagged in tree.  Hope! I sped our car over to the tree and contemplated climbing on top of the car to get the balloon but I realized two things – 1) it was rapidly deflating and 2) I was blocking a bank drive-through. I concede defeat.


If you look closely, you can see how cute she is.

Then we went to sell our house. Sitting at the settlement table I hear: “I got a balloon for First Mate Little Chubs and Mommy let it blow away.”

On the phone with Cool Dad after settlement: “I got a balloon for First Mate Little Chubs and Mommy let it blow away.”

At the ice cream store fulfilling my earlier promise: “I got a balloon for First Mate Little Chubs and Mommy let it blow away.”

At Royal Farms on the way out of town: “I got a balloon for First Mate Little Chubs and Mommy let it blow away.”

In the car: “Can we call Daddy so I can tell him how I got a balloon for First Mate Little Chubs and you let it blow away. Oh. Wait. Did I tell him already?” Me: Yessssssssss!

When we got back home she re-enacted for Cool Dad how I jumped for the balloon. I jumped? I don’t remember that but, okay, yeah. I probably jumped.

I love that Pirate but for real? I am never robbing a bank with her.