My life pretty much ended when the Pharmacies started putting those ridiculous Fort Knox inspired lids on prescription bottles. Just because some stupid baby somewhere tried to commit an early suicide, the rest of us have to suffer.

I have always hated baby-proofed houses because that means they’re also pretty much adult-proofed as well.  I hate showing a house to clients and not being able to open a cabinet without the thud and cabinet stopping after an inch. I also despise electrical sockets stuffed with the plastic gag. I always believed this was more bullshit doled out by the moneymaking baby industry and I planned on being a parent who was going to give the big middle finger to the baby proofing crap.

Growing up, I never even remember this stuff in our house. I never got electrocuted – at least not that I know of. The electrical socket gags are to me, the worst offender because you can’t get them out without breaking a nail, or your entire finger. We decided that if the Little Pirate was stupid enough to stick her finger in an outlet once, then she wouldn’t be stupid enough to do it twice. What harm could possibly come of just winging it? Then some people said, “What if she sticks something in the outlet, like a fork?”

Well, we thought. We’ll say no. (I know, that’s not a perfect solution.) Actually the better solution is to just make sure she never gets her hands on a fork. Easy enough. But it’s always the scenario that you never considered that comes back to bite you in the ass.

Cool Dad: “Is the Little Pirate practicing her first french kiss on the electrical socket?”
Well, shit.

When it comes to cabinets, the Pirate was consistently getting into the places with liquid drano and rx meds. Cool Dad said we had to come up with another solution. I groaned. He suggested moving my arsenal of Prescription Meds to higher ground. I groaned louder as that is logistically not possible. He suggested weeding through them and getting rid of some. I may have said some words about divorce court if he suggested that again, so we settled on baby-proofing.  I put ponytail elastics around some cabinets, and that worked until the Pirate figured out she could stretch and stretch and get inside anyway. Then the elastics created a boomerang to help her hurt herself when the door slammed on her hand. Sigh.  I broke down and bought some cabinet locks.

Cool Dad was the first to try.

Cool Dad: You’re not gonna believe this. I put that cabinet lock on, then I couldn’t figure out how to get the cabinet open, so I had to cut it off with pliers.
Bad Mommy: Are you serious? I don’t think they’re that hard to work.

Pirate-Proofing: 1, Parents: Zero.

Then I had to lock the cabinet where the hot water heater is because we apparently have a plumber-in-training complete with exposed butt crack from the back of her pampers.

The Pirate managed to unhinge the entire front face of the cabinet from the rest of the cabinetry. Though the lock is still intact, now the whole kitchen is broken.

Pirate-Proofing: 2, Parents: Zero.

Today I found her sucking on the end of a bottle of Tilex. I’m not even sure where she got the bottle.

Well, at least her mouth won’t have mold and soap scum in it.